Our Pregnancy Loss

“I see a baby but I’m so sorry, there’s no heartbeat.”

On Monday, August 16th, at 8 weeks pregnant I went in for my first ultrasound for our second pregnancy. Both excited and also nervous, I laid on the table for what felt like an eternity while the technician worked before she gently asked me if I had anyone with me. I did not – the weekend prior, the practice sent an email stating they were no longer allowing companions due to how bad covid is getting again – so no, Craig was not with me.  I wanted to yell “WHY would he be with me when he’s not allowed?!” but I didn’t.  It wasn’t her fault.  None of it was her fault.  But Craig never missed a single appointment when I was pregnant with Emma. I was incredibly upset when they changed their policy.  I understood why they have to take these precautions, but I was also upset…and to be truthful it wasn’t the practice I was mad at. We are both vaccinated.  We both still wear our masks.  We have always taken covid seriously and we “do our part” and yet I felt like we were being punished.  And I was angry about it.  (A lesson we learned the hard way – If a companion isn’t allowed inside, have them sit in the car.)  But that’s just a side note about why Craig was not there and my honest feelings about it.  And that’s why I was alone when I got the worst news of my life.  I told her no, no one was with me, but by then I knew what was coming next. “I see a baby but I’m so sorry, there’s no heartbeat.” 

I immediately broke down. I was sobbing, shaking uncontrollably, and I felt like I might throw up. I had to call Craig and tell him and ask him to get here ASAP.  I think I texted him – I gave little mind to how to best deliver the information and was more concerned with telling him as soon as possible so he could get to me as soon as possible.  I was taken to another room to wait for Craig to arrive. It was the loneliest and most excruciating 30 minutes of my life, but at this point it feels like a blur.  I think I just stared at the floor in between my tears. The doctor came in to comfort me while I waited and explained she’d give Craig & me a few minutes together before she came back in to talk to both of us about our options.

I’d had what is called a “missed miscarriage”… basically my body still thought it was pregnant and the only sign of miscarriage was the inability to find a heartbeat. In fact I was still experiencing pregnancy symptoms. With this kind of miscarriage, it can take your body weeks to realize what’s going on and miscarry naturally.  The doctor told us our options and ultimately we decided on getting the D&C surgery.  It was really hard on me emotionally to know I was carrying our baby but was unable to do anything to help the situation or the life of my child.  I just didn’t think I’d be able to wait week after week for the process to happen on its own.  Knowing myself, I knew it would be extremely detrimental to my emotional and mental wellbeing.  That Thursday I had another ultrasound just to confirm there was no heartbeat (it was confirmed – sadly I did not have hope otherwise) and by Friday morning I still had not begun to miscarry naturally, so after the longest week of our lives, after so many tears, we had the D&C. The procedure went as well as I could have hoped for and I’m so grateful to my doctor and all the nurses and medical staff who were so kind and gracious throughout the process. I felt very cared for and cared about through a trying situation.

The actual procedure itself only takes about 20 minutes, but they did put me under light sedation so I was totally knocked out. We got to the hospital at 5:30am for the 7:30am surgery, and I was home by 11:30am.  I was on some pain medication that day and honestly felt fine, albeit a little tired from the sedation, the rest of the day.  That night I woke up to really bad cramps that had me in tears, but I took some ibuprofen and it helped dramatically and practically took it away completely. The next couple days I just would take either ibuprofen or acetaminophen if I started feeling crampy but after that I didn’t need to take any.  My doctor said it was normal to experience up to 10 days of period-like bleeding, but so far (6 days post-op) I have only had some light spotting.

This picture above was our first & last intentional picture of just the 3 of us. Our baby had a chromosomal abnormality that led to the miscarriage. 40-50% of miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities and it’s the leading cause of early miscarriage. My doctor assured me there was nothing I did “wrong” and that sadly, miscarriage is extremely common. I don’t say this to incite fear, but instead to comfort someone else who may experience this.  Miscarriage is not your fault.  I found some comfort in reading other women’s stories of miscarriage (& rainbow babies) and so I want to share my story to hopefully be that same support for someone else. It can be so isolating and so incredibly painful, but reading about others women’s strength and resilience in their experiences greatly helped me. We are very much in the middle of our story to grow our family, but my hope is I’ll have my own story of hope after loss to share with you soon. Thank you for your support and love.

If you’re going through this and need someone to talk to, please know that I am here for you.  It’s such a dark, sad, and confusing time, but I have faith that God is weaving a really beautiful story for each and every one of us.  We could never begin to understand or comprehend it, but we are not meant to.  We are only meant to have faith, and trust.  I know that God only does good.  He is the comforter of the pain, not the creator of it.  Truly knowing who God is has been the biggest source of comfort and peace because I know He will provide, and I know he will take care of it all.  If I doubted any of that, I really don’t know how I’d get through this and be able to move forward with any sense of hope or positivity.  So for that I’m really very grateful.  If I can help you in any way please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.  Or if you’re going through this, please just reach out to someone.  Don’t suffer in silence.  Talking to other women who have been through it has been so helpful to me.

More on the topic of comfort and support, I wanted to share the blog posts, podcasts, devotionals, etc. that I have found helpful as I navigate all of this.  I am still finding things daily so I will update this section as I find more.  If you have any to recommend, please leave them in the comments.

Blogs:

• Julie’s Posts on miscarriages
• Emily’s Post

Podcast:

• Risen Motherhood Ep. 23 || Hope After Miscarriage: Two Moms Share Their Stories of Loss & Healing

Devotionals/Bible Studies:

• Walking Through Miscarriage with God Bible Study Plan (free)
• Loved Baby: 31 Devotions Helping You Grieve and Cherish Your Child after Pregnancy Loss (I haven’t read this yet but it was recommended to me)
• Held: 31 Biblical Reflections on God’s Comfort and Care in the Sorrow of Miscarriage – (Another I haven’t read but was recommended)

I miss my baby so much, every single day.  I think that I always will.  I’ve been assured the pain gets lighter and it gets easier, such as it is with all grief.  But take the time you need to sit into that grief.  Let your heart heal.  We will get through this together.

Sending you all a lot of love,

Bess