The Importance of the People Around Us

This topic kept finding its way in front of me somehow over the last few weeks.  Through podcasts I was listening to, books I was reading, and even on Pinterest, where I found this quote:

Be with someone that’s good for your mental health.  Someone who brings you inner peace.  Someone who challenges your bad habits, but supports your process of change.

I decided to write a blog post to put together my thoughts on this subject because I think the impact and the importance of the people around us can be easily overlooked.  New Years Resolutions abound and I think often we don’t look at the totality of the situation to determine if we’re setting ourselves up for success…no matter what it is.  I’ve heard for years now people saying that “you are the 5 people you spend the most time with” and I kind of think that is true.  I definitely have noticed that my personality, which it doesn’t fully change necessarily, can pick up inflections of another person’s when I spend a lot of time with them.  You know, you start talking like someone you spend a lot of time with, and you might start thinking similarly to how they think.

But I think it goes beyond just picking up similar quirks or characteristics.

More deeply rooted than those things, I think we can start to subconsciously take on the self-limiting beliefs of another person or likewise, the beliefs that we can achieve, that we can be happy, and that we can succeed.  If you are spending a lot of time with people who think they are stuck in their situation, who complain, and say they can’t do anything about it, you’ll likely start thinking (and believing) that as well.  But on the other hand, if you start spending time with people that hustle, work hard, and believe in their own ability to do and achieve anything that they desire, then you too will start being that way.

This might be hard to recognize, because perhaps the people with those self-limiting beliefs are the ones that mean the most to us…so what to do?  We can’t just fully cut people out of our lives because they might subconsciously be keeping us from being our best selves.  In this case, I think it’s important to simply add in more individuals that lift you up and that can serve as a motivator to you and show you that you can be the person you want to be and live the life you want to live.  Remain aware of those that don’t so you can proactively guard yourself against those thoughts permeating your own.

Take this example that I heard on one of Ed Mylett’s podcast episodes (great podcast by the way, go listen immediately after you read this post): If you are out to dinner with a bunch of people who are super fit and conscious about the food that they eat, when cake comes to the table for dessert and they all politely “pass” on taking a piece, you are going to be more likely to also pass on taking a piece.  But if you’re with a group of people that aren’t as regimented on their nutrition and they all take a piece, then you would be more likely to take a piece.

I’m not trying to make cake a villain, by the way (you know I love cake) but it’s just an example to make a point.  You’re going to be more likely to follow the habits of the people around you…whether they be positive habits or not.

So then that brings up the question: Are we surrounding ourselves with people who support us and support our goals?  Not just by saying so, but because they truly believe it and may even be an example of that which we want to mirror?  It’s sometimes hard to realize that the status quo of what’s around us can really impact where we go in life.  We are scared of change.  We are scared of what might happen if we do change X,Y,Z, and so we self-sabotage before we even get started.

Here’s an example of how that might play out:  You want to lose weight and you’re emotionally ready and committed to doing everything you need with working out and eating right to do so.  But somewhere in the back of your mind you may remember that you have an entire closet full of clothes in your current size.  You think about what a pain it would be to have to buy all new clothes in new sizes.  That’s in the back of your mind but you don’t realize it might be having a bigger effect on you, and actually limiting how far you’re able to go with that goal.  You may lose a few pounds but likely not enough that you have to buy new clothes.

Another example:  Maybe your friends haven’t achieved the financial success that you are wanting and they make comments about how people with money are snobs or are materialistic.  While you know you won’t be that way when you are successful, those thoughts infiltrate your subconscious.  You begin to think that if you achieve success, that your friends will find you shallow and will no longer care about you, and so you self-limit your ability to succeed in order to not lose them.

The truth is: we become so comfortable where we are, even if it’s not the place we want to be, that we sabotage our own efforts to get out of that place.  So while yes, the people around us do influence that, ultimately it is our own beliefs and our own minds that we have to conquer.

To continue with the example…

If you lose the weight and have to buy all new clothes…don’t think of that as a financial burden.  Find a solution.  You can sell your own clothes on Poshmark or take them to a consignment shop, and likewise you can find deals at those places for your new size!  You can get clothes on sale.  And you don’t have to immediately overhaul your entire closet.  It can be done piece by piece.

If you achieve financial success, you remain the same person at your core that you always have been, and you show that to your friends. Truthfully, they should already know your heart and they most likely will still love you whether you are richer than before or not.  You know yourself, and you can choose to tell yourself that you’ll prove that not everyone with success in that area of life is a materialistic snob.

Again, those are just examples to make a point.  It really can be about anything in life.

I think you get the point I’m trying to make here.  The people around us can have an impact on us…but at the end of the day, WE are in charge of just how much of an impact we allow them to make.  Remembering that we are the ones in control of our own lives and our own futures is the key to navigating through it all.

And lastly, back to the quote I shared above, the people around us need to be good for our mental health.  If you’re around someone who is constantly bringing you down and if you leave their presence feeling fully drained of all your energy, then you need to reassess that relationship.  Being around people that don’t give back to you the same energy that you give them can have a deteriorating effect on our emotional wellbeing.  If they are also not giving you the confidence to achieve, well then that is even more reason you might want to consider separating yourself from them a little (or a lot).

To end on another Ed Mylett quote (and to be honest, there are so many gems from him it was hard to pick which one to use) because it just feels right:

“The comfortable road will never lead you to the person you are destined to be in your life, never.”

Would love to know your thoughts.

xo,

Bess