If you’re a Strong is She podcast listener, then you likely heard most of this message about How to Build Self Love last week on the show in episode 10.  But since not everyone listens to podcasts, I wanted to share it in full blog post form too.  I’m essentially sharing the podcast transcript, so my apologies if it’s kind of long, but I think the message is important and the tips are hopefully helpful!

I think especially in today’s day and age of seeing nothing but shiny highlight reels on Instagram, it’s easy to feel like maybe other people have it better than you or have it figured out.  Well, I think we all know that’s not actually the case but even still, it can have an impression on us.  And of course that’s just one piece of the puzzle so this won’t all be just about the impact of social media…in fact that will be a small part of today’s show but a relevant one nonetheless.  I’m going to share ways to find, build, and nurture self love, which I believe then leads to more self esteem and self confidence.  I think those two things are a by-product of loving yourself.   I think this world is such a more beautiful place when we all embrace who we are and share our differences.  We were all made to be different people and give our unique perspectives and influences onto the world…doing anything else is selling yourself and our world short!

I of course want to say I’m in no way an expert on this topic.  I have my moments of struggling with self-confidence just like anyone else.  We all have our days. I just want to share what I think works and just daily tips and practices we can implement to continue to work to being our best selves.

So like I mentioned earlier, I think true self-confidence is a by-product of self love.  But how do you build or find self love??  I think it starts with the belief of deeply knowing one thing:  YOU ARE WORTHY.  And your worth is not defined by the opinions of others.  Working to separate those things can be difficult but something worth practicing because at the root, those are truths.

Then beyond that, I have some tips that I either personally put into practice as much as possible or that I’ve researched that help to build self love.  I think you can take all of them or just the ones that speak to you!  Practice incorporating them into your day and I think you’ll really start to see a mental shift about how you treat and view yourself.

TIPS TO BUILD SELF LOVE

1. Be aware of the effects that your surroundings have on your self-esteem.  Whether that be interactions in real life or virtual ones on social media…even books and magazines that we read.  What messages are those platforms sending to you?  The comparison trap is so real but actively working to identify when something is having a negative effect on how you feel about yourself will help you similarly identify when you need to separate yourself or possibly cut it out of your life completely.  I know I find my self struggling with the comparison trap on social media a lot, seeing other bloggers doing this or that and perceiving it as them doing better than me, which can make me question if I’m good enough.  I know that sounds silly in perspective to real world issues but it is a real thing I know I personally have struggled with at times so I want to be open about that and share it.  And I really should KNOW better because I know people are just mainly showing the highly edited highly curated best of the best type photos and moments on their feed, and even still, sometimes it’s hard to separate. So for me when I notice maybe someone in particular is sending me messages that make me feel bad or down about myself, I generally unfollow them.  And usually these people aren’t doing that intentionally, but that’s just the dynamic of social media.  We see only what others want us to see and none of the stuff that really makes us understand we probably ALL struggle with similar issues.  So just take note of that and guard your heart against things that make you feel down.  There’s nothing wrong with taking yourself out of a situation that isn’t serving you.  That goes for real life interactions as well.  Relationships or friendships or anything that doesn’t lift you up in one way or another likely isn’t worthy of your time, especially if it’s bringing you down.  Ultimately, you have to know that YOU are the one in control of your self esteem.  What messages you allow to infiltrate your headspace and heart are, for the most part, within your control and how you REACT to those things is 100% within your control.
2. Get to know who you really are.  How will you be able to fully love yourself if you aren’t totally sure of who you are?  Do you know what makes your soul happy?  Where does your mind go when it wanders?  What are your big scary dreams you wouldn’t dare tell anyone about??  Those are the things that should be guiding lights in your life. Make it a daily practice to do MORE of what makes you feel good.  Even if it’s just something small…do at least one thing a day that makes you feel good just for the sake of you feeling good.  For example, sometimes back when I was working my corporate job I would take a quick break during the day maybe on my lunch or something and run to the store to grab a kombucha, because I love a kombucha and it made me happy!  And it was just something SMALL but it brought something special to my day and reminded me that I am worth the time and energy to make myself happy even if it’s something totally unimportant to anyone else.  But don’t be afraid to spend some time alone to get to know yourself.  Your relationship with yourself is the most important one you’ll ever have, so don’t neglect getting to know your own heart.  It will really make everything else like who and what you allow into your life so much easier!
3. What are things about yourself or your life that you’d like to change?  This point is kind of the flip side of #2.  What are things about yourself you want to change because YOU WANT to change them (not because society or social media tells you that you should)?  By this I mean things that you’d actually like to work on to become a better person or to get to know yourself better.  Maybe it’s something as small as changing a bad habit…say you bite your nails and you want to quit.  Once you take the steps to accomplish a change that you want to achieve, you’ll feel a strength and liberation to know you can create this life to be what you envision.  Then work to change or improve something else you want to see be different.  You are really the artist of your life and you are in charge of the person that you become.  Also, you have to be honest with yourself.  Don’t make excuses.  This goes both with learning more about who you are and working to make any personal changes.  For example you might not do something and then you’re really hard on yourself and give excuses for why it didn’t happen.  And sometimes those things are legitimate…in those cases, learn from it and try again…but don’t quit.  Making excuses just perpetuates negative belief systems and negative self talk.  Which leads me to my next point….
4. How are you speaking to yourself?  What is your self-talk like??  Have you ever really listened to how to are speaking to yourself?  You may be surprised that you are actually the one sending yourself the most negativity out of everyone and everything in your life simply by not being kind to yourself.  So I challenge you to be mindful and pay attention to the words you think about yourself and what you tell yourself.  Work on talking to yourself the way you would another person.  Show grace and show love.  When you notice that you’ve spoken or thought something negative about yourself — or maybe even just something not positive or kind — apologize to yourself and reframe that messaging.  Fix it as it happens.  And to continue with that idea…how do you let others speak to you whether it be positive or negative?  If someone is rude or mean to you…do you let those words cut you deep?  It can be hard not to let something that someone says hurt, especially if it’s someone that we care about.  But that goes back to my first point about being aware of the effects that your surrounding have on your self-esteem, including relationships and friendships.  It may come to a point where you need to have a conversation with someone to tell them they cannot speak to you or treat you a certain way….or perhaps it’s time to get that effect out of your life entirely and just cut it out.  What is most appropriate is up to you but don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself.  It doesn’t have to be combative, but allowing yourself to be walked all over will only make you and other people think that you don’t care enough about yourself to not allow yourself to be a doormat.  Remember that your worth is not defined by the opinions or words of others.  Similarly…how do you let people talk to you in a NICE way??  Do you take compliments and thank people or do you shut them down and say “oh no no that’s not me” or something like that??  If someone is trying to give you a compliment, they have clearly recognized something in you and want to tell you.  Don’t discredit their perceptions of the person you’ve shown them that you are by saying no or not taking the compliment because you don’t feel worthy of it.  Thank them!  And if you see something in another person that you appreciate, tell them!! A little compliment can really go a long way and mean so much more to someone than you may realize.
5. Exercise.  Alright…y’all knew I’d be throwing this one in here somewhere didn’t you??  Haha.  Well it sort of could have gone under point #2 when I said to do more of what makes you happy, but this point has had truly such a positive impact on my life I wanted to give it its own space!!  Because really, it’s what helps me the most on a daily basis to feel good both physically and mentally.  I always feel so empowered and good about myself after a workout…or even just after MOVEMENT.  If I’m feeling “blah” I’ll try to take a walk to shake it off and it usually always works.  Sweat is like a reset button to me and I feel like I’m literally sweating out negativity.  The impact that exercise has on my mental and emotional state is the biggest reason I keep up the 6 days a week schedule that I have…far beyond anything physical.  So if you are trying to get more into a workout routine, I encourage you to keep it up and try to also focus on mental impacts that exercise has on you and not just physical ones.  I really believe that can help you keep something up and implement it into your lifestyle for good more so than just noticing any physical changes.  Those are really just a cherry on top!  I think it really helps with building a well rounded self confidence…because if you are feeling strong both mentally and physically then you will not be shaken!
6. Take moments for yourself and don’t feel BAD about it.  Often times we push ourselves and our needs to the bottom of every to-do list but in reality, we can’t be our best selves if we are depriving ourselves of things we need.  Maybe it’s taking a quiet bubble bath or maybe it’s your exercise time.  Maybe it’s just going out to dinner with your friends or going on a trip.  We can’t be our best selves and fully give love to others if we aren’t giving it to ourselves.
7. Practice daily affirmations.  This is another thing that can really help you strengthen that mental and emotional side AND they help with working on positive self talk.  So these are things you would repeat to yourself maybe in the morning before your start your day, or even throughout the day!  You could have one go-to affirmation or a few that really speak to your heart.  For example: “I have enough.  I do enough.  I am enough.”  Or “I am a strong and capable woman”.  Find whatever rings true to you.  It can be anything.  Then write it down and stick it on your bathroom mirror or just keep it in your head to repeat whenever you need it.
8. Practice daily devotions.  Depending on your belief system this might not be something that speaks to you, but something that has really helped me learn to love myself is by spending time with God each morning in the form of daily devotions.  I like to read the She Reads Truth daily reading and bible study (you can find these online at shereadstruth.com or on the app) and then also in my daily devotion book called Jesus Calling.  I will link these in the show notes if you are interested in checking them out!  But it reminds me each day that God created me and all of my individual qualities and characteristics to be just as I am…not to be someone else.  They encourage me to be a better person and to work to improve on things I might not love about myself (which goes by to point #3) and they also help clear my head to know that whatever challenges the day may face, God is leading the way.  I pray throughout the day just as I would speak positive affirmations to myself.  You could do both or one or the other but I think both are great options!  One book I read last year that really spoke to me on this topic was a book by Lysa Terkeurst called “Uninvited: Living Loved when you feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely.”  If you struggle to find self confidence I encourage you to give this book a read!  It’s a quick read and I love that it also gives prayer guidance on how to restore self confidence.  It’s so real and so many of the instances she shares in her book are things readers can instantly relate to.  So if you are looking for something like that I found that book a great read.

So that’s about it!  Those are the tips I think are great starting places to work on building and nurturing self love and self confidence.  I hope you’ve enjoyed these tips on How to Build Self Love.  If you have any others, please leave them below!

xo,

Bess